In the eyes of the Righteous
by DLHKM
Summary: He fell. And he brought everyone else down with him. It's beautiful, really, in a horrifying, sickening way. His brothers and sisters hurtle towards the Earth, nothing but strokes of gold on a dusk-colored canvas. Their Graces bleed from them, marking their paths, and Castiel feels something in him just break. Spoilers up to 8x23. Castiel-centric. Destiel.


**A/N: Having some sad feelings, guys.  
**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Supernatural.**

* * *

The Fall takes place on a Thursday.

It's fitting, really, considering the role Castiel played in expelling his brethren from Heaven. It's a reminder of his folly-yet another mistake, yet another failure.

Penance is but a distant dream, for Castiel does nothing but destroy.

His attempts to right his wrongs have gone awry-he's beginning to think that he will never be able to redeem himself. His efforts to do "the right thing" have led to nothing but destruction: a heavenly war, a manic purge of those who opposed him, the release of the Leviathans, the loss of the Angel tablet.

The Angels falling.

_Screaming, crying, crashing._

And then the offenses against his friends: Sam's soulless state and instability after Castiel tore down his mental barriers, Dean's...

It's more difficult for Castiel to think about how he has wronged Dean. It hurts...pains him more than it should, pains him almost as much as his crimes against his brothers and sisters. But there's something different about this shame, something more devastating, something that makes Castiel think that...

That without Dean's forgiveness, Castiel is not deserving of _anyone's_ forgiveness.

It occurs to him then that he is in love with Dean Winchester.

Castiel finds himself remarkably unaffected by this realization. After the initial wave of understanding that swept over him, he feels...unchanged. Knowing that he loves Dean does not change how he acts toward him, it only provides Castiel with an explanation, an answer to questions that have long been unanswered, questions that he hadn't _wanted_ to answer (because, even if he hadn't been aware of it, Castiel hadn't wanted to live with the knowledge that he loves Dean Winchester. Dean Winchester, who is somehow both flawless and flaw-ridden, who is achingly good and bright and _true_, who is...completely out of Castiel's reach).

_Why am I doing this? Why disobey for this one, broken man?_

So many times he had doubted himself, questioning the decisions he made for Dean and, ultimately, _because_ of Dean. Yes, he had felt inclined to step out of line, to go against his brothers, in times past (_Naomi purses her lips, an angry crease in her forehead, "When will you learn, Castiel?")_-but he had never fully separated himself from Heaven.

He fell.

And he brought everyone else down with him.

It's beautiful, really, in a horrifying, sickening way. His brothers and sisters hurtle towards the Earth, nothing but strokes of gold on a dusk-colored canvas. Their Graces bleed from them, marking their paths, and Castiel feels something in him just _break._

(The last call he is able to pick up over "angel radio" consists of nothing but panicked screams.)

He doesn't know how he'll ever be able to undo the damage he has caused. Even if they, against all odds (the phrase doesn't seem to carry much weight when it comes to the Winchesters, but Castiel has trouble believing that they will succeed this time-a testament to how broken he is) are able to reverse Metatron's spell and see that the Heavenly host is restored, Castiel will never be able to cleanse himself.

So many of his brothers...dead, dead because of him, because of his foolishness.

_'It was a war!__' _Cries the (ever-weakening) part of him that believes that he is worthy of redemption because he was only trying to do what was best_, __'Raphael would have tortured them, he would have crushed everyone who had even _thought_ of opposing him. You were only fighting your enemies; you were only ending the war.'_

There's a difference between fighting and slaughtering, Castiel thinks: they stood no chance of surviving. He could have been diplomatic, he could have shown mercy, but instead he...

_Wings, black wings...imprints made by extinguished Graces..._

_Proof of what he has done._

He allowed the power to overcome him, to draw him in. He should have known better, should have known that peace cannot be attained using force, that violence breeds violence.

But he was so _tired_.

Tired of fighting, tired of running, tired of living in fear-tired of killing.

Funny, because he couldn't seem to stop doing _that_.

_Rachel's shock, her disappointment, "We put our faith in you, and...look what you're turning into."_

He should have heeded her words, should have known how wrong he was to take that route, how utterly _misguided_ he was. His desperation impeded his judgment, leading him to make decisions he _never_ would have made in the past. Working with the King of Hell, tampering with history, risking souls, killing his friends...

_Balthazar turns, and Castiel surges forward, his blade slipping between Balthazar's ribs. The worst part is that he doesn't stiffen, or shout out, or seem at all surprised...he knew.  
_

_"Cas..." Balthazar breathes, disappointed and pained and pitying._

_And Castiel twists his blade, angry with Balthazar for betraying him, for abandoning him, when all he wants is to end their struggle.  
_

All for the sake of ending the war.

But, because Castiel is weak and foolish (bright-eyed, naive Castiel-always mucking things up), he only worsened things. He betrayed his friends, those select few who always stood beside him, who risked their lives helping him fight the war, who accepted him as _one of their own _(which was all Castiel had ever wanted from them). He was arrogant and desperate-a dangerous combination, one which made him believe he could take on the Purgatory souls without suffering the consequences, without being overwhelmed by righteousness and raw, unbridled _fury_.

Castiel cannot lie and say that the souls forced his hand, that the Leviathan pushed him to commit such atrocities (although he desperately wishes it were true), but their presence rid him of any restraint he had, tearing away compassion and pity to make way for rage. He was defined by his mission, and that mission was to bring order to the realms.

But then came Dean Winchester.

He wanted Dean to be on his side, he _needed_ him to be on his side-but Dean was disgusted by him, Dean saw him as an enemy, a monster.

And Castiel knew that he was wrong.

(It's amazing to him that, even through his blindness, he could see Dean.)

Because Dean is the Righteous Man, the epitome of all that is good, and if Castiel is deemed repulsive by this man, this honorable, true-intentioned man, then he must be stopped.

Sometimes he cannot help but wish that that had been the end of it. Because Castiel hadn't learned his lesson; once more, he took it upon himself to restore order, and, once more, he failed.

With horrifying consequences.

Castiel's feet remain planted on the ground, but his eyes do not leave the sky.

He weeps.

* * *

**A/N: I tried to make this longer, but it didn't feel right, so I'm ending it here.  
**

**I'm really looking forward to this week's episode, guys: I miss Castiel, and I really want him to re-join our lovely brothers-also, can someone please let me know why Ezekiel couldn't just let Cas stay? Ugh.**

**Until next time!**


End file.
